and baby makes five!

forget about skinny

2012-01-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

I don't blog much because I don't have very many deep thoughts. But here is what I've saved up over the last month for you.

This can be a difficult time of year, food-wise. Holidays are over. Life settles down with less to occupy time and thoughts. Maybe a little bit of boredom and monotony sets in. So food can become my "entertainment." And there have been failures and victories. But this isn't my confessional and that's not what I want to write about.

I'm not going to rest on my laurels and say I've got this thing solved. See my last post. But I am so excited that I've made good progress in figuring this out and seeing it work!! Now, the question is, would someone else be able to do the same thing to solve their food issues? I don't know. Everyone is in a different place spiritually. And emotionally. And mentally. And physically. Everyone has their own path to take. I can only tell my story of where I was and where I am and maybe someone else can take from it to help on their own journey.

To start your own journey, this is what I recommend (very humbly and without much authority and only going off my own experience):

1 PURSUE GOD

Forget about eating. Forget about your weight. You're not going naked, so you DO have clothes to wear for now. This is about God, not about getting a skinny body by being spiritual. If you aren't actively seeking God, start. (And seriously, forget about skinny!)

Set aside time routinely to pursue God. You probably won't want to. You'll probably wish you were catching up on the laundry or starting supper instead of using up your precious solitary moments. Do it anyway. This is how I started out:

Read the Bible and/or work through a study.

Pray, out loud if you can. Make a list of prayer requests and pray through them.

If you think of something in your life that you need to do / stop doing / make right. OBEY. Even if it is hard or embarrassing or takes you out of your comfort zone. This is crucial to spiritual growth. You can't grow if you don't -- how can you talk to God if you are refusing to obey Him? -- but once you do, you will be even more invested in your relationship with Him! Here is where your eating habits MAY come in. You may know in your heart that your eating is not pleasing to God. So to remain in obedience to God, you must tackle the problem.

2 EVERYTHING ELSE

Really #1 is all that matters, but here are other helpful things.

Journal - Now I used to think this was something for Mardel-frequenting, coffee-drinking, hair-highlighting, praise-and-worship singing moms, but it has helped me out a lot. Writing stuff down helps to clarify my thoughts so I can figure out the lesson I've learned and remember it.

Pray, pray with others, fast -- any or all of these

Persevere - No matter what, you can always return to God and keep working on your food issues.

Obey in everything - It's no coincidence that obedience is coming up again here. It is crucial. Crucial to eating as it is to the rest of our lives. I confess that for months last year I was convicted about something entirely apart from food, which I did not want to follow through with, and consequently was not in fellowship with God. And it showed in my eating. Big-time. Pun intended. You can't refuse to obey God in another area of your life and be able to stay in communion with Him! And then you're on your own with the eating and we all know where that goes because we've been doing it all our lives!

And in conclusion --

I read WORLD magazine and greatly enjoy it. Recently they had an article on Alan Chambers, a former homosexual. He says, " The opposite of homosexuality isn't heterosexuality. It's holiness." I love this and revise that to fit our situation: "The opposite of fat/overeating isn't skinny/healthy eating. It's holiness."

One more thought: What would I say to someone who follows God, tries hard to obey Him, but fails time and time again when confronted with the cookie dough? They might say that they are doing what I've said and it just isn't working for them... I don't have any answers. I know that I find myself there sometimes. Sometimes I choose sin; sometimes I pray that God will help me get through the evening without making microwave s'mores ... and He does. I do know that the more good choices I make -- even putting back half the roll in the middle of a bite -- the easier it gets to make the next good choice.

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what hath God wrought

2011-12-19T20:44:00.001-08:00

It has been almost exactly a year since I resolved to tackle my eating problem. Since then, I've chronicled here many of the things I learned. I want to summarize and conclude. I want to give God credit. To tell what He has done for me! For someone who has been in bondage to her appetites for about 18 years.

What I weigh today is irrelevant. What I have learned this year is this:

1) many of the psychological factors that lead to my eating. We've all heard of emotional eating, situational eating, blah, blah, but I had to learn these things for myself in my real life.

2) how to identify whether and why a specific eating situation is sin.

3) that it all boils down to an OBEDIENCE ISSUE and that without a close walk with God, seeking to obey him in every area of life, no victory is possible.

Wow! God did not just magically *poof* away my food addiction. Though He could have. Instead He quietly taught me things. Using people, circumstances, thoughts, books, failures and successes to direct me to new realizations, leading me as I sought change.

That said, I am not cured. I may never be "cured." I am a few bad choices away from a spiral of ice cream sundae eating. And if I run into an obedience obstacle in another area of my life, it will hinder my walk with God, causing my eating to suffer. But, the more I feed the white dog, the stronger he is! (From some sermon illustration about a bad black dog and a good white dog fighting and the one that wins is the one you feed.)

I have a few more thoughts that I've nailed down in the last couple of days.

1) pride -- I've felt inclined to feel pride at "my" accomplishments in beating my problem. Like I've got this Christian thing / eating problem thing figured out! And look at all of these smart thoughts I have in my head! ... I really need to remember that GOD did this and not focus on myself. And, it may be that I am just in a good place and will not always be doing so well. Which brings me to my next point.

2) hope -- This is something new. Anybody trapped in the cycle of any addiction can tell you that they do the same stupid thing over and over, resolve to do better each time, but never do. Eventually you are hopeless. Now, when I fail, I can repent, re-focus on the Lord -- not on my weight or food -- and work on obedience.

3) self-control -- Learning self-control in the area of food also pays off in other areas of my life that have suffered from a lack of self-control.

4) and, regarding gluttonous attitudes -- A Gluttonous Attitude is what I call something that seems very minor (and often not technically over-eating) but that I can tell was a sin because my attitude/food approach was not right. Here are some examples from my life lately:

-- when opening a bag of chocolate chips while baking, immediately inhaling the ones that are stuck together bottom-to-bottom

-- constantly sampling while baking

-- using gum to satisfy a sweet craving. Use gum when you are hungry and supper isn't ready. Not because you feel like you just HAVE to have something sweet. That is something having power over you.

-- eating on my roll (or whatever is most tempting ... for me that usually involves bread) while I am getting everyone's plates ready for the table. I should not be so overcome by my desires that I cannot wait until we pray and eat together.

Now, obviously, it is not a black & white sin for anyone to eat a roll before the meal. Or to eat chocolate chips that are stuck together. The problem here was my attitude toward the food, the way the food had control over me.

That's all I have on food right now. I am not naive enough to think that this will be the last time I post on my food problem. I do want to stop and say fewer I, I, I, me, me, my and more God, God, God.

If there is any victory here, if there is any overcoming, any freedom from sin, any increase in self-control, it is from Him. He knows what we need. He wants the best for our lives. He desires that we be free from bondage. He has done more than I imagined this year and accomplished it in ways that I would never have conceived. He deserves glory and praise!

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cake walk

2011-10-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

I know, it's been awhile since I blogged. You have been deprived of my great wit and wisdom for too long. (BTW, if you didn't see it, don't miss my last post.) I've had so many highly important blog-worthy things run through my head over the last months, but I don't want my reason for blogging to be about myself ... isn't that the reason many people blog? Because at last we have a platform to say everything we want to say, the way we want to say it, and we can't be interrupted! Or am I just ascribing my own base motivations to everyone else?

Either way, here goes.

Let's start with LIFE -- Life has been good lately. (Life is always good -- mine overall has been easy, I realize. Nobody close to me has ever died, or been in an accident, and all my greatest disappointments have been so minor in the grand scheme of things. Like infinitesimally minor.) But looking at life through the microscope of daily life, things have been better lately.

One biggie -- WHY didn't someone TELL me that caring for a 2 and 3 year old is light years EASIER than caring for a 1 and 2 year old? It's true! At least it has been in our house. When Eli hit two in early September, the I'm-easier-to-control-and-communicate-with switch flipped in his brain, plus the I-am-a-capable-playmate switch. Of course he and Parker played together before this, but now he is closer to her level and they can have real interaction together. Now, this does not consume every waking hour, but it has been a great change! They actually go out to the playset in the backyard together and spend actual chunks of time actually playing without me. And they are so much fun now too!

Another biggie -- Andy is on a great schedule. Now that we are past that 2ish-month mark, he's been sleeping 9ish hours at a stretch at night, taking 3-4 naps a day, at the same time every day, and is still at that great age where it seems as if they are ready to go back down for a nap almost as soon as they got up from one. So those are two good things about life.

So how about FOOD? -- Really, I don't consider food a major category of my life, but it is a major category of this blog because it is a major category of my spiritual life.

Today I was thinking back about nine months to last December when I began to spiritually tackle this issue. I have failed a lot and you could say in a sense that I haven't improved any. But through some of those failures, I have learned many, many things about motivations and causes and factors that contribute to my eating. I believe God heard me, that He wants to work with me, and that he is using my puny efforts and mistakes to s l o w l y move me along.

Right now I am on the "obedience diet." After all, my eating problems really are at root an obedience problem. I try not to think much about losing weight (hard to do after a pregnancy), but just listen to God when trying to figure out what to eat. Nothing new, really. But I certainly wasn't doing it for awhile there and I know it is the only way to work my way to a right eating approach. And I AM losing weight, thank you to breastfeeding and to God.

Some things I've learned lately:

-- Obey in everything. One little hole in the dike sends the water crashing through.

-- Get back up and keep obeying. Like a country song.

-- Obedience does bring life. Obeying God helps me look and feel better physically.

And, here is an example of some things that came to mind after sinning with a chocolate cake yesterday. I knew it was a sin for me to eat it, even though I wasn't overeating (I stopped when I was full). But it was sin for me because:

1) The cake had control over me. I WANTED it.

2) I doubted that it was OK to eat it, but ate it anyway, violating my conscience.

By the way, it is not always sin to eat chocolate cake. If you see me eating chocolate cake, or eating anything at all, please do not assume I am sinning, ha ha. I may just be very hungry because my baby is large and hungry.

Anyway, thanks to Elyse Fitzpatrick and her Love to Eat, Hate to Eat book for the above two points on why the cake was sin. Those are from her list of what makes eating something a sin, which has been such GREAT help and clarification for me! I listed them all in this post awhile back.

All right, nap time is over....

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our exciting life

2011-10-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

This morning as we lay awake in bed, we heard shouting in our house. Jamie opened the door from our bedroom and there were two police people, guns drawn, in our hallway!!!

Here is how it happened:

Earlier this morning we heard a knocking at our bedroom door, the door that comes from OUTSIDE. It was Parker. She has lately learned that we prefer her to not walk through the baby's room to come to our room and had apparently unlocked and opened the back door to go outside, walk through the backyard, and over to our outside bedroom door. We opened it and let her in. I bethought myself of the alarm system, knowing she must have triggered it when she opened the back door, and pushed the "disarm" button on my bedside keychain remote control. When questioned, she affirmed that she had heard beeping. (The alarm lets out a loudish beeping when triggered, but we can't hear it from our bedroom with the doors between closed and our window air conditioner running.) I didn't know if I hadn't turned the alarm off in time (if not disarmed within a certain amount of time after being triggered, it will alert the alarm company, who will then call us), but knew that the alarm company would call us if not, and Jamie's phone was right by the bed so he would be able to just answer it and tell them it was a false alarm. Well, it turns out that Jamie's phone was on Mute, but we didn't know it. My phone, the alternate phone for the alarm company to call, was out in the kitchen.

So, we lay around in bed for a bit and I fed the baby. Eli was still in his room. We heard indistinct shouts out back, a woman assertively yelling something that ended in "... sound of my voice!!" We thought it was a neighbor yelling at dogs. Then we heard it again. Then we heard it again and I was sure it was coming from inside our house! Jamie said it wasn't inside the house but I said it was and so he got up to check. That's when he found the police with a flashlight in his face and guns! I was shocked to see the figures over his shoulder and my first thought was how I was going to roll across Parker and the nursing baby to reach Jamie's shotgun in the corner. Jamie had to go get his ID and show them he was who he said he was.

Anyway, we were wide awake after that. It was quite the comedy of errors and I am devising ways to leave more doors open, etc., so that we will be able to hear the alarm next time. I'm sure it seemed quite suspicious for them to find our back door wide open and nobody responding to the beeping alarm, the repeated phone calls, or their loud yells.

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update

2011-08-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

The verdict -- The transition from two children to three has not been as life-shaking as the transition from one to two. Probably because this time I knew better what to expect and thought I had been scraping bottom for a while now. I mean, can you get more frazzled than a frazzle? Can the end of your rope get even endier? :) (Smiley face here to show that I am really just kidding, ha ha, and of course I know life really isn't that bad and I should be thankful.) All that said -- and this sounds like a contradiction -- having three is remarkably more difficult than having two was. The distinction being that when you transition from two to three, you are more PREPARED for the higher level of difficulty. Anyway, it is harder partly because #3 is a newborn. Yesterday I left #3 sleeping with Jamie at home and took Parker & Eli to the store. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy-breezy it was just having two -- before #3 came along I would have been all hot and bothered by dealing with just the two.

We really don't call him #3.

I'd started a paragraph here detailing my life, but nobody wants to read that. Let's just say that life has been reduced to its essentials -- food, sleep, and bathroom stuff. I am so glad that very little is currently required of me right now in the way of work, church commitments, etc.

BTW, Here is a good blog post I ran across recently. (I like that she mentions how toddlers stand on your feet while you are trying to make supper. I have one that does that.) It is one of those things you read that you wish wouldn't go in one ear and out the other because you REALLY wish you could remember it and have the whole thing at the forefront of your mind constantly so it could actually change the way you live.

Well, I should go shower so I can go to bed and get a couple hours of sleep before time to get up and feed again.

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baby baby again again

2011-07-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

Just an update on the baby status -- I'll spare you the details and all the ins and outs. Pretty much, my bp is climbing ever higher, but so far the baby and the womb conditions seem unaffected, and I've not exceeded acceptable protein-in-the-urine limits. So, they are treating the high bp issue with meds and as long as it doesn't get any higher than it is now, I can stay out of the delivery room. We were 36 weeks on Wednesday, 7/20. I have a sono appointment on Monday, 7/25, to again check on baby, so that is my next chance to get sent off to deliver. :P Parker was born at 36.5 weeks, was 6 lbs 1 oz, and lungs were developed fine. This baby is running smaller in size though, so IMO the longer it stays in, the better.

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baby baby again

2011-07-18T14:54:00.001-07:00

Well, no baby today! Seriously, I was worried. If preeclampsia = high bp + protein in urine, as of last week's visit I was/am definitely on the verge. My bp was high this morning in the doctor's office, but I passed the protein test or they would've sent me off to have a baby. And the baby passed the sono fine. (The sono didn't take its weight/measurements this time, it was just to evaluate its condition -- fluids, movements, breathing, placenta, etc.) So anyway, they are upping my bp meds and I'll be doing another 24-hour urine thing later this week, with a non-stress test on Thursday (I think that is when they monitor the baby's heartbeat and stuff for a little while. I don't know, I haven't had one before.), and then back again on Monday for another sono like today. I'll be 36 weeks this Wednesday. Parker was born at 36.5, but this baby is measuring smaller, so my goal is to make it at least another week!

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baby baby

2011-07-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Just baby stuff this time --

We picked a BOY name!!!!!!!! I am thrilled about this because I had given up hope of ever finding one. Both our children's names have been decided under the gun at the hospital and I thought this one would be no different. So now we have both a boy and a girl name ready and I am excited about naming either one!

Doctor visit this morning -- 34 wks, 5 days -- my bp was 140/90, about what it has been running at home of late. Nobody seemed too alarmed though, thankfully. The sono went fine. The baby is measuring about a week small on average and in the 23% percentile (or was it 30 something? Can't remember). Either way, they said that is OK and they don't worry about it unless it is 10% or less. So that might help explain why my belly seems small to me for this stage of the game. That and the way I am carrying, I guess. Anyway, I am relieved to be able to carry on for at least another week. One week closer to full-term!

UPDATE: Nurse called and my 24-hour urine catch (I neglected to mention earlier that this weekend I had to collect all pee in a jug for a day so they could test for protein) was just under the cut-off -- 294 grams (? or whatever) of protein and the cut-off is 300. I was glad I hadn't had to pee just one more time during that 24 hours, lol. Anyway, it was pretty much just an FYI phone call, though she said they are going to do an extra sono at my Monday appointment to keep closely monitoring things. Grow, baby, grow!

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book report

2011-06-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I like to read. Just a little. I grew up reading constantly because we didn't have a TV. Trouble is, I start out slow but soon my "reading" turns into a skim. What I really need to do is stop, put the book down, and come back later, but that is hard to do. Since I do like to read a lot -- sitting outside during naptime, now and then when the babies are playing nearby, on trips -- I've decided lately that it would be worthwhile to read something other than Christian fiction, which often is about as mind-numbing and edifying as TV. So, I've started going upstairs to the big-people section and getting a couple non-fiction books to go with my fiction. So far I've read a book about why men don't go to church, one about homeschooling, that Wild Things boy book, and a couple others. It may not be such light and easy reading but it gives me new ideas to think about and to talk about.

The one I just finished is called Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement. It was written by a non-Christian feminist. Although the content was obviously being reported from her point of view, the book was more of a factual report on the movement than I had expected. Sort of like a news report on a liberal cable network. The Quiverfull movement is the actual name of a conservative Christian movement, whose members believe (among other things) in men being the head of their families, in homeschooling usually, that birth control of any kind is wrong, and especially in having large families (hence the name). It is hard to separate people into categories though -- for instance, while I agree with some of the Quiverfull beliefs (subjugating my poor self to my patriarchal husband) I don't practice the no-birth-control/having-more-kids-than-three (ha ha) aspect. So parts of the book would be talking about me and people at our church, while other parts wouldn't apply. One interesting thing I pulled from it, before I started to skim like crazy: She contrasted the way the feminist movement started (women meeting in groups to essentially complain about the way things were) with the way fundamentalist Christians teach things should be handled (women should not sit around and gossip and complain to each other).

And ... a few days later --

I read another book. Told you I like to read. So here is the book report. This one is called Reasons to Believe by John Marks. It is written by a man who once believed as a Christian, then slowly stopped believing in a personal God, in salvation through Jesus, and finally in God at all. One of his biggest reasons for his current lack of belief is the pain, suffering, and great wrong (like mass genocide) that he sees all around him. This book tells the story of his quest to find a reason to return to the Christian faith or to remain an unbeliever. It was an interesting book to read -- very well-written and told through a series of stories and encounters with various types of Christians and churches all over America. [Sidenote: It's funny how some of these secular authors tell these stories of Christian life that to them (or maybe their non-churched readers) are probably out-there and new and unbelievable, but to me is everyday life.] At the beginning of the book, the author tells how he got started on his quest -- he is in journalism and did an interview with some Christians about the Left Behind series. The man he was interviewing asked him something to the effect, "What about you? Would you be left behind?" So it starts, and the book ends with the author's answer, "Leave me behind." Wow.

My word, the dishwasher is making ungodly noises out there. Hope it isn't the next thing to go. Speaking of which, the Excursion hasn't had a single hiccup in a couple of weeks. Not sure what's up with that, but we are grateful.

Pregnancy update -- Over the last week or two, my bp has been on the upswing. No good reason for it, it just does this at a certain point in my pregnancy. (I've been on bp meds all along, and that hasn't changed.) I'd been averaging 120s/70s all along, now I'm averaging 130s/80s, with spikes up to 150/86. Not so great. My next appointment is Monday, 7/11, (the last sono too) and Dr D will be out of town and so I am concerned because whoever takes his place won't be as familiar with my case and what I've discussed with Dr D. I am 34 weeks tomorrow and so will be nearly 35 by that appointment next week. I had a little pipe dream of making it full term and going into to labor naturally (what does that feel like, anyway?) and was confident that that could happen -- after all, my bp had been stable for so long -- but now I'm just hoping to make it to 37 weeks!

K, better go redeem the nap time.

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the saga continues

2011-06-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today we got the Excursion back. (Man, that thing is hulking.) I don't remember how many days it's been -- we're counting in weeks now, and it's been 2 1/2. Well, poor Jamie picked us up this afternoon to go get it from the dealership. It was super hot, of course, and he hadn't gotten the things he needed to do today at work done yet. He's hoping to get caught up enough to be able to take Friday off and get some riding in over the weekend since he hasn't been all month and really needs some time off from all the work stress. So anyway, we paid the dealership our $1,900 charge, switched the kids & their car seats over, and I headed for home. My driving abilities are so finely developed that I wasn't even rusty from the time off. We go down the road, I immediately discover I am heading in the wrong direction, and I pull into a parking lot to turn around. And guess what? The engine dies -- the EXACT PROBLEM THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN FIXED. I haven't told Jamie yet. I sure don't want to heap this problem on top of him right now.

Well, I can't think of anything spiritual to say about all that right now. I did pray about it, so that's kind of spiritual. I'm not sure I'm even going to get to anything spiritual in this blog. If I manage not to complain much, that will actually be me being super-spiritual.

Pregnancy update: Got to feeling bad this morning (d r a i n e d) and saw my bp was 107/64, super-duper low for me. Not sure what caused that. It's back up to its usual (medication-regulated) 127/68 or whatever now. We're almost at week 32. According to the usual internet sources, New Baby is about 4 pounds now. We won't mention how many pounds I am, because this is a public forum, but I'm setting new personal records! Never-before-seen numbers are appearing on the scale. My main discomfort is the sciatic back pain I get sometimes (I guess New Baby is getting on my nerves already, ha ha ha!) and my pelvic bones aching in odd places. Anyway, two months to go! It's surreal to be doing this again. Before we move on, I want to mention that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling of baby kicks. They make me smile as I try to enjoy every minute of it. The baby is big enough now that it doesn't kick so much as push and roll. It's like having a Thanksgiving turkey in there and you don't know if it's a drumstick or a wing or a wishbone poking out.

So I had planned to blog in April about how it had been about a year (more or less, I don't remember exactly) since my walk with God changed. Meaning that a year ago I started to obey Him and it has revolutionized everything. Well, not "everything" yet, but a lot. But in April I started being convicted about something and wasn't sure what to do about it and that continued on and on ... Basically, I have this problem of being "convicted" about things (sometimes meaning that I just come up with something in my head that I should do and don't feel right until I do it). I have trouble knowing what is me being over-sensitive or making up stuff (for instance, what if it comes to mind that I should call everyone in the phonebook, starting with A, and invite them to church or share the gospel or whatever? Could be a good thing to do, right? So it gets in my head and before long I feel it is something I should do and can't even pray because I think I am not obeying.). But anyway, this particular conviction had nothing to do with the phonebook. I also knew that if I ran it past other people in my life, they would tell me it was ridiculous and unnecessary and overboard. But, in the past I have made some ridiculous and unnecessary and overboard apologies, just because I didn't feel at peace until I had done it, and maybe this was just a matter of a weak conscience but a conscience nonetheless. So maybe even though there isn't a clear right and wrong about it, if I felt I should do it, I should do it? Or maybe I should just use my mind and not my "feelings" and not do it? Anyway, I haven't done it yet.

Food update: I still love it!

Baby update: Eli is such a born cleaner. One of Parker's little jobs is her laundry job where she goes around from room to room collecting dirty laundry in a basket and delivering it to the laundry room. Well, Eli has taken it over from her -- they would fight over it so I gave her a new job instead -- so now he'll exclaim, "Garker's laundry job!" (or syllables that could be interpreted as such) and take off with the basket, gathering laundry with such non-stop fervor as you have never seen, squishing it down to fit it all in, then hoisting the whole heavy thing and staggering along. I bet he could do it all while wearing high heels too. Probably has. This may only be interesting to those who are related to Eli by blood and I don't think any of those read this blog. I've often thought that one of the saddest parts of losing a spouse would be having no one who is as interested as you in hearing all the cute stories of what your babies did all day long. And no one left who can remember with you all the cute baby days gone by.

Well, Parker is up from her nap.

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the excursion

2011-06-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

Arghh, so we're going on day 7 without a car. I am so glad that the first four of those days were while I was out of town in NY. I returned home with a tank full enough to handle the three days at home that we've had so far. It does kill me to miss our activities: new Bible study, grocery shopping, swimming with friends, and gymnastics. Finally today the dealership had time to look at our vehicle and the forecast is for another week and $2,000. I'm considering getting a rental for a few days next week, but don't want to add that cost on top of everything else, plus we really wouldn't use it that much ... On the bright side: 1) We aren't using any gas! 2) In our ten years of marriage, this is the first time we've had a really big car repair bill. 3) We have the money to pay for it. 4) The problem has been diagnosed and we don't have to do something like throw this car away and buy a new one or something. I've heard of that actually happening to people.

Things are kind of stressful right now. J's work is busy. A good thing but presents lots of problems. He's pretty much solely in charge of running his small business and right now his days are taken up with looking for a new employee, figuring out a new coating process for his shop, setting up a new treatment for their chemical waste, needing to buy a new shop truck, cash flow issues, debt collection, solving their sandblasting bottleneck, and of course the usual picking up parts for plating, dealing with customers, estimating, managing employees, etc. So needless to say, I try not to dump on him when he gets home! Plus, the car is in the shop, the VW is taken apart in OUR shop, and our home AC doesn't work so great and just can't keep up with these 105 degree days. So he comes home and it's 82 degrees in the house. I'm hot and tired and achey and the babies are babies. And THEN I think about adding a NEWBORN into the mix. ACK! I'm really not complaining, just enumerating stressors. There's a difference, right? I am very aware that we are so blessed that he has a job, and he loves running a company. We are blessed with super-fertility and happy, healthy babies. I get to go to the grocery store and just buy things -- like vegetables and fruit and everything else -- that people 200 years ago would only have been able to get from their own gardens at certain times of year.

Well, today is day eight (I'm adding onto the blog I started yesterday) of the no-car siege. It's 10:32 and we've eaten, watered plants, started chicken marinating, and are blogging/playing play-doh. J's talking about putting the VW back together this weekend and teaching me to drive a stick but I have doubts that I will be proficient enough at it (after one lesson with babies in the backseat?) to drive it next week until we get the Excursion back.

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everything but the kitchen sink

2011-05-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

By some miracle, both children are napping today. The laundry is caught up. The dishes are caught up. Made a phone call I needed to make. Tanned. The house for sure isn't clean but I couldn't make much of a dent in the time I have left, so why bother. I've got random thoughts in my head to blog about, so let's get started. I'm not concerned about people stopping reading this if I stop posting, so I don't post until I've got something to say.

Pregnancy -- I'll put it here since I don't like to bore my fb friends. Coming up on 28 weeks with #3. (Number Three! I never thought I'd say that.) My bps at the doctor the last two visits have been exceptionally low for me -- today it was 110/64 or something! I think it has something to do with the timing of me taking my bp pill that morning, or with the fact that I have started taking 30 seconds to lean against the wall in the bathroom there after giving my urine sample and take deep breaths, pray, relax ... Or maybe the nurse has a new bp taking technique or a new bp cuff. Could be anything, but I'm glad! Anyway, uneventful pregnancy so far. Sickness was minimal; tiredness was there for sure but has mostly gone now; no swelling yet. But some big boobs! My biggest ever and not even nursing yet. Can't say we're not enjoying that. Otherwise, just lots of weight gain! I weigh as much now as I did when I delivered Parker at 36 weeks in that pregnancy ... and am very close to weighing more than my husband for the very first time.

If you don't know already, we are not finding out the gender. We do have a girl name picked out that I have wanted to use for years and we both like. We may never ever settle on a boy name since they are more difficult, not nearly as much fun, and nearly impossible to match with "ehl." I'm sorry if you have a boy and find boy names just delightful, but you probably have a simply delightful last name to go with it. OK, that's all the pregnancy stuff I can think of for now. You can resume reading.

Books -- now there's a topic. I read Christian fiction mostly and have for years. Partly because I know where to find it and know I don't have to worry about running into language and content. Lately I have run across some really inferior authors and some really good ones. Christian fiction is kind of like Christian music -- you wonder if some of the songs/books that make it into circulation only make it because the competition is less steep than it would be out in the secular domain. Not to say there's not some great Christian fiction and some great Christian music, but we've all heard songs that really should never have made it onto the air. (There's an old one about cartoon characters or breakfast or something that is coming to mind right now...) But anyway, books are a weakness for me -- when I am in the middle of one, I have trouble putting it aside to take care of responsibilities. It can make me irritable with the babies because they are keeping me from it. I just can't seem to ration a book out to only read it when I just need some true downtime filled.

What else was I going to say?... Oh, yeah. Warning, kid update: Parker is three and in the last month or two has really turned a creativity corner. All of a sudden she's got the imagination that I thought she didn't have, that her other little friends have had for a while. Poking a stick at me and telling me there is a little doctor at the end of it. Telling me she wants a pink turtle for her birthday and asking us all what color we want. Saying there is a TeeTee baby (her grandmother) in HER tummy. She's not the fastest verbally but is getting better there too. It's really a lot of fun, listening to what kids come up with. She's been skipping her nap often too. Yay. Eli is almost 21 months (two on Sept 3) and is super fun. He's very different from Parker. He's more verbal and can "say" (mimics) almost anything we say to him. He's been putting words together too -- "Bike mine!" "Here Parker!" "Daddy truck." He's like this silly little elf that runs around our house. He plays much more independently than Parker did at that age. He's always been accomplished physically, walking at 9 months, two-footed jumping at 18, pushing his crib across the room to the changing table to climb up and remove a picture from the wall at 20 ... He was born knowing how pester his big sister ("Garker!" "NOOO, Eyi, don't SAY that to me!") OK, kid update over! Resume reading below:

Food! -- Wouldn't be a blog without food. For the sake of New Baby, I am trying to eat a little better -- a few more vegetables here and there, fruit instead of dessert. I know fruit is chock full of sugar too, but I know a bunch of cherries have got to be better for me than a bunch of brownies. One more thing I have learned since I blogged last -- I've got to do my part in self discipline. Not just assume that Jesus is going to do it all for me if I just "let go and let God" or whatever.

Well, that's all for today. It's 4:45 and Parker is standing behind me in the computer chair, doing my hair with a ruler and a comb. I love little girls. I really do. They are so precious. Now she's sulking because she wants to sit in my lap and I hear Eli rattling the cage (doorknob) in his room and I need to start supper.

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replacement post

2011-04-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a whole post and went back and deleted it. Aaargh. I was afraid the wrong person would read it, so I didn't feel comfortable with putting it on the internet. Not that it was bad, I had already watered it down and made it so deliberately vague that it was boring. But you never know. So here are thoughts on a whole different topic ... food! Who'd a thunk it.

Well, I ain't getting any skinnier and my blood pressure ain't down to any new lows and I don't remember the last time I had 5-6 servings of fruits and vegetables. But I'm learning some things! Here is a list of things I wrote down yesterday that I had learned.

1) Don't buy Easter candy with still two weeks to go before Easter.

Just kidding, that wasn't on the list.

1) When it comes to food, I myself cannot control myself. I do not possess one speck of willpower that I can muster to be effective. That barn door is too far open and that horse is too far gone. He is so long gone I can't even see him anymore. Or remember what he looks like.

2) I can't take this one day at a time. I can't "resolve to start anew and do better." We all know that does not work. I can only take it one moment at a time, one situation at a time, one hunger pang, one choice, one temptation at a time.

3) Only by walking second by second with Jesus do I have a chance. And then it's not really me.

4) I am powerless. But, as I am studying as I belatedly work through the women's Bible study workbook, God is all-powerful.

At least I am learning something! As my double-chin and my belly and my bottom grow, so are the lessons I am learning.

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Me so Tarred!

2011-03-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

(Me so Tired, in Parker speak).

Well, I am BEAT but I lay down for a nap and my mind just kept thinking so I got up.

Oh well. I am looking for a sandwich bread recipe so I think I am going to try this one: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Dees-Health-Bread/Detail.aspx . I know, I know, it's not from Pioneer Woman, so how can it possibly be any good?

I just finished listening to this book The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges. I got it as a free audiobook and have been listening to it during naptime while I do laundry and such. I say I "just" finished, really it's taken a couple of months to get through. It was really good though and I might just have to listen to it again. Here are the two things that have stuck with me from it:

1) If you don't know and the Bible doesn't say whether something is a sin, here are some guidelines: 1) Is it edifying? 2) Is it likely to enslave? 3) Does it cause another Christian to sin? and 4) Does it glorify God? I don't know about you, but this could cut out a lot of TV viewing. Not that there is much left since I've dropped so many shows already. TV is about the only area where the world is just mainstreamed into my life so therefore it's the main area that I often feel confronted about holiness. (The internet for me is mostly restricted to email, facebook, and recipes, though that can be abused in its own way, of course.) I am more sensitive to worldliness on TV than some, because of how I grew up, but I view this now as an advantage rather than a disadvantage. (Sidenote: just last night, Jamie chastised me about recording Sister Wives (reality show about Mormon polygymist and his four wives). Usually I am the one chastising, but this time I agreed to give it up if he would not turn on American Dad or Family Guy (cartoon filth).)

2) That was such a long rabbit trail that I forgot the second thing I learned ... Oh yes. Becoming holy is not something that you just leave up to God. It is something that you discipline yourself to do. This may include anything from: Bible memory, making sure you spend time with God (i.e., go to bed early so you can get up early if that's when you like to do it), realizing your problem areas and actively planning concrete ways to avoid temptation and sin, getting exercise, whatever. So that was interesting because it was a tangible thing you can do, rather than a vague "make me holy, God!" and it encouraged me to take active steps with eating issues. The guy who wrote this happened to have eating issues too (doesn't almost everyone?) and I found it helpful that he recognized them as roadblocks to his holiness and had to deal with them, just as I am.

Speaking of food, did I mention that my little plan wasn't a magic bullet? At all? All I can say so far is that 1) I have learned some things and 2) the low-sodium thing has made it harder by bringing in that restricted diet mentality. Ooo yes, now I remember a couple of new things I learned. Let's use A and B here because we've been using 1 and 2 a lot.

A) A few posts back, I was wondering about how healthy does God want me to eat? Because I was feeling bad about eating, say a carb, when I knew good and well I hadn't had a single vegetable or fruit all day, even though I was legitimately hungry. I still can't answer the question of how healthy does God want me to eat, but I HAVE found that ignoring those impulses of "I really should eat a veggie to be healthy even though I really want a carb..." just open the door to more blatant eating transgressions later. So, what that tells me is that while eating the carb really isn't sinful in itself, if it does start me on the slippery slope, I shouldn't do it.

B) If, when presented with the near-overwhelming temptation of something you KNOW you shouldn't eat -- the second consecutive bagel with cream cheese, for instance -- something that is pure sin and gluttony, but you find yourself not caring and being drawn to the bagel bag even as Scripture verses ring in your head -- I have used the .1% of my slobbering brain to ask Jesus for help even though I really don't want it and so far, He has provided the way of escape. This magic trick has worked the few times I thought to use it.

OK, enough of food. On to ... babies! What else? So I've realized something new about life recently. This is nothing that we haven't all read in a blog or an article or a parenting book fifteen times at least, but reading it and knowing it as truth is a far cry from having it sink in and affect your thoughts and your everyday life. So this is it:

I often feel frustrated because I spend so much time doing things I just did. For instance. Taking time to move the stool from the dining room (where it doesn't belong) to the kitchen (where it does belong). The reason I am moving it? Eli decided to play with it. Or, unpacking the bag we took to the park, which means putting AWAY the sippy cups in the kitchen, the shoes in the bedroom, the food in the cupboards, all of which I took the time to collect just one hour earlier in a great rush before we LEFT for the park. Sounds like my life is spent doing and re-doing and never getting anywhere! Which is exactly how I felt. BUT, I had the giant lightbulb come on and realized that I WAS getting somewhere. Because a little boy amused himself with that stool and two little people lived and had fun at that park and I successfully cared for them. And those little people existing and growing and living and being cared for is a worthwhile thing all by itself. Before, my goal was what? Progress? A cleaner house? Getting things done? And the repetitious tasks got in the way of that. Now, I feel calmer when I see the clutter, the house-that-may-be sometimes-neat-but-never-clean, the tasks that have to be done again and again and again. Because I know that in God's eyes (and now mine too), I am Doing Something.

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oh good

2011-02-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day! What is going on here?!

Today I worked on the Attributes of God workbook for our Ladies Bible Study. I'm still back on the God is Good chapter. The homework is long and involves lots of Bible look-up, but it has been worth it. This Good attribute has been particularly interesting and a good (ha ha) reminder. Towards the end, in the application part, we had to look up ways that the Bible says WE can do good. And there are lots of them and they are commanded. So then I think, "OK, do good, do good, do good. What can I do to do good?" And if you are like me, your mind already has enough to do just planning supper and taking care of babies that you worry that you won't do good when it is time to do good. But good is what we can be doing along the way while we are doing our regular stuff and when it comes time to be good, I believe God prods my mind and it takes notice and then I have a Choice.

So on a somewhat related note, a while back I made this list of things that I could do to reach out to people. My natural self does not enjoy reaching out to people. My natural self wants to sit alone at home and read a book, for my whole life. But, for a lot of reasons, I believe this isn't right, so I made this list. And I was doing those things for awhile and then pregnancy hit and all I could think of was "ME! I'm PREGNANT! I feel BAD! What should we DO about a NEW BABY?" (Side note: I think pregnant women can be some of the most self-focused people on earth. Trying to keep that in mind.) So anyway, I see this list now and think I should work on those things again, but I look at it and put it off because it is too hard to do one of those things today, and really, do those things even matter and who cares if I do one of those things? Will God really care if I plan or don't plan a playdate? Or take brownies to Jamie's employee guy? I think maybe He does!

But then I think, "I can barely juggle these little household jobs I have, let alone bring something additional into my life." Hmm, now that I type that, it sounds pretty bad and selfish. It's not like I can wait until I have it all together because that will never happen.

**So I had posted a whole paragraph here about something I was going to do, but I wasn't sure it was right to be advertising my good deed -- even though very vaguely stated -- so I deleted it. I want to be sure to keep this between God and me, not between God, me, and the world wide web. Sorry! Doesn't make for a very good ending.

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eating sodium

2011-02-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

Surprise, surprise, I'm finding out that my little eating plan of action is no magic bullet. I didn't think it was, but I had hoped it would make a big difference, kind of in the same way you hope a new diet will be The One.

Things have been complicated by being pregnant. First, because of my blood pressure, I am trying to cut out sodium (not entirely, just keep it under 1500 mg). This involves avoiding foods like pizza, chili, spaghetti, fast food, chips, etc. almost entirely. Even foods like cottage cheese and flour tortillas are surprisingly high in sodium. Sodium is found in moderate amounts in lots of things, including dairy, breads, desserts, etc, and those things add up fast. Fortunately, I am not limiting fat and sugar and calories, so things aren't as hard as they could be -- I can eat homemade granola bars, desserts baked without the added salt (though baking soda/powder still add sodium), salt-free chips, etc. However, it creates extra planning and work to prepare meals for both myself and my family, and right now the last thing I feel like is extra work. Not only that, but it creates that restricted feel of A Diet -- you know that feeling where you've denied yourself certain foods so you start to want to eat them (or anything you shouldn't) really bad.

The second complication caused by pregnancy is the hunger and cravings. Now, I have a hard time telling what is a genuine pregnancy craving because let me tell you, I ALWAYS want pasta with parmesan cheese & butter, and bagels with cream cheese. But I've really been wanting anything starchy & cheesy. BUT that could also be a side effect of the sodium diet deprivation too... Then there is the hunger, which isn't as ferocious at this point in the pregnancy as it was a couple of weeks ago -- back then it was raving hunger that kept me eating and eating. (This pregnancy has been different that way. One extra-hungry day I kept track and I had devoured about 3,000 calories.) I don't have a problem with eating if I am hungry, but it does complicate everything.

So the last few days have been difficult. Call it falling off the wagon if you will. Off the wagon and into the box of Girl Scout cookies maybe? Back to my same old tricks. Needing to depend on God every second to get through it but I haven't been, just been disobeying like before. And today was going to be different, but it wasn't really ... sound familiar? Like something you might say when you are on A Diet, maybe? >:(

I go through these lows and highs anyway, and it's a low now. Not a miserable depressed low or anything, it's usually the low point on a cycle of self-indulgence and self-loathing. And this is a mild low this time for sure, it's just that all I want to do is get pizza (which I shouldn't eat) for dinner tonight and check out and read a book. Instead of being responsible. Unloading the dishwasher, doing a load of red laundry, making a dent in the monstrous heap on top of the washer/dryer ... all the things I would usually do.

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I wrote all that yesterday and today's been pretty back to normal. Like the low point of the cycle is gone and I am my regular non-self-destructive self again. I'm hoping I can just be moderate with the low sodium thing -- cut myself some slack without entirely falling off the wagon -- enough that I don't go the other way off the deep end because of deprivation.

Anyway, I'm glad nobody reads this because it would be b o r i n g for anyone who isn't me!

a little distraction

2011-01-20T18:04:00.000-08:00

Here's your bonus for reading my blog -- you get the big scoop.

Those "distractions" I mentioned in my last post? Well, it is really just one big distraction = new baby on the way. If this is a surprise to you, don't worry, it was a surprise to us too. Because, I was on the pill!

I started wondering way back in early December if I could possibly be pregnant, but dismissed the idea without testing because I'd been having some cyclical irregularities and because there were zero other symptoms. Then came January and I had more cause to wonder, in addition to the onset of constant hunger and slight nausea. So I tested and lo and behold, life turned on its head.

I wanted another baby. Wanted it like many of us mothers will always want "just one more!" even when common sense (convenience?) dictates that it isn't the best idea. (But who cares about common sense, I want a baby! This was the one area of my life where I threw common sense out the window.) I'd had enough trouble getting two out of Jamie; he wouldn't even consider a third. And for the very reasons that are now presenting themselves ---

Our health insurance stinks, so we'll be footing nearly all of the baby bill ourselves. We now need a bigger vehicle, found a good deal and bought one last week. On top of the air conditioner and ductwork ($6,000, cheapest bid) that need replacing in our house. Between all of them, our savings will be nearly completely wiped out with no forseeable way of replenishing it. This causes not a little concern.

And tonight happened to be a difficult night with the babies. Both had had either no nap or a very short one and predictably were fussy, fighting and required a great deal of involvement on the part of two parents who had had very tiring days. Things are stressful for Jamie at work right now, and I am getting into the energy-sapping, dog days of early pregnancy. Tonight he'd had enough of the baby-wrangling and wasn't too thrilled at the thought of starting all over with a new one soon.

So, all in all, we've been thrown for a loop and have a lot to suddenly trust God with. All negatives aside, when I can believe that I am actually pregnant I am giddy with delight ... as long as I don't think about the nitty gritty of pregnancy and new babies. It's one of those grass-is-greener things that you really want when you can't have it but when you get it you remember that there are a lot of drawbacks!

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Update after doctor's visit, Wednesday 1/26 -- Today I found out I was 11 weeks along, with a due date of August 17. We had the usual first visit sono where we heard the heartbeat and saw the little baby shape. It was amazing to see there was something actually in there!

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food for thought 3

2011-01-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

I've had some distractions lately, but I do want to finish up the food topic --

So, I came up with a plan of action to deal with my problem and shared it with my husband. It consisted mainly of two things:

1) fast for a day -- The Bible says that fasting should be private, so I only mention this for the edification of others. My prior experience with fasting had been very minor, and let me just say that I will never again take fasting lightly! It was interesting because the REASON I was abstaining from food was because I had a food problem ... It highlighted how often I eat. It showed me that I could indeed control what I put in my mouth. And I believe it showed God I was serious and perhaps gave my prayers more power.

2) pray with Jamie each morning for my obedience -- I believed that praying for strength and obedience and discernment each morning with another believer would be more effective than praying alone. We have been doing it faithfully for over three weeks now and it has had side benefits. 1), we are praying together!! something we had been sketchy about in the past. 2) We pray about other daily concerns than just my eating.

As I said I've been on this course of action for over three weeks now, having started on December 22, I think. I have been pretty obedient and things have been going OK so far. However, this time period would be the upswing of an eating cycle anyway, so even without my new plan of action I would probably be doing OK so far. A month or so down the road will be more telling.

One question that has arisen in mind is: How healthy does God want me to be? I am only eating when I'm hungry, but we all know that you can quench your hunger with anything from apples to cheesecake to apple cheesecake. I know He wants me to take care of my body so I can work for Him, so eating only Swiss Cake Rolls all day is out. On the other end of the spectrum, I also know He doesn't want me to overly obsess about what I eat, so spending large amounts of money, time, and energy on preparing healthy foods would not be right either. So where do I fall in the middle? Is 3 servings of fruits & vegetables enough? What if my grains aren't whole enough? My rules & regulations type mind starts to bother me when I don't force myself to eat my vegetables & proteins ... or is it the Holy Spirit bothering me? I haven't figured this one out yet, but I think it would please the Lord for me to attempt to make reasonably healthy choices.

One thing I do know is not right for me to do right now is diet. For me, dieting originates from self-pride and leads to nothing good -- bingeing and food obsession.

Now, I have no illusions that I will ever be completely cured of my eating issues (though you never know!), but I have hopes that by frequent exercise of the obedience muscle and of self-control, I will get stronger and re-take ground that has long been lost.

That's all for now! I'll update the food topic as there is need. Other updates coming later.

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food for thought 2

2011-01-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

Picking up where we left off:

It was no news to me that these eating habits were sin -- self-focus, gluttony, lack of self-control, etc. And I didn't WANT to do this, but felt trapped. Just like when my husband would look at a Biggest Loser contestant and say, "WHY didn't they just stop eating so much?!" I knew the answer to that and you probably do too. It's not that easy. You feel trapped and helpless and hopeless to ever stop the cycle.

I detailed in an earlier post about the changes in my walk with the Lord this year. Well, of late I found my eating downfalls getting in the way of that walk. I had a few food victories -- times when I would actually stop in my tracks and obey the Bible verses that suddenly ran through my head -- but more and more I would push those thoughts aside and give way to the choice to eat. It was something of an easier sin because I didn't have to ask anyone ELSE's forgiveness to make it right, just the Lord's. But that kind of disobedience doesn't make for a close walk with the Lord -- habitual sin because you know you can confess -- uh-uh.

So I began thinking I should do something bigger about this. I came up with a plan of attack and put it into action. I'll go into that plan later. For now I'm going to discuss things that have become clear to me about my eating.

-- I eat for entertainment sometimes. I'm standing at the sink in between trips to the dining room table while the babies eat and I have a couple minutes of breathing room. Hmm, let's grab a roll! Let's just munch something for fun to fill the cracks. Filling the cracks isn't something that is just done with food -- it can also be done with television, the internet, books, or whatever. I am trying to be aware of this compulsion to fill the little minutes with stimulation and instead talk to the Lord or do some little household task.

-- I eat for emotional reasons sometimes. When I'm upset because the babies are yanking my chain or Jamie is going out of town at a bad time or whatever, I head to the counter and grab something. Cuz it is YUMMY!

-- I have something of a sweets addiction. I've always liked and binged on sweets in particular, but what I am talking about is a post-meal urge for dessert. I never had this until I was pregnant and started to snack on clementines and grapefruit after supper every night. Healthy snacks to be sure, but I wasn't hungry and was only eating for pleasure. It started an "Ooo, I feel like dessert" mental habit after meals.

-- Eating all of other people's food isn't cute. It's selfish and unkind. (Jamie brought this to my attention. Wisely at a time when I was ready to hear it. Before that I was defensive -- "But I can't HELP it!")

I have a book Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick. While it isn't a magic bullet (nothing is), I love it because it discusses eating issues from an entirely biblical standpoint. She includes a list of criteria for determining if an eating situation is sinful. Below is that list. Now, I don't use this list to figure out if a particular eating situation would be a sin. I use it AFTER my conscience has already convicted me that to eat would be sinful to help me pinpoint WHY the eating would have been sinful.

This is Elyse Fitzpatrick's list and questions, with my clarification afterward.

D - Doubt - Do I doubt I can eat this without sinning? This is one of the most murky and the most applicable for me. Sometimes you just don't question if it is OK. But if you kind of think it might be wrong but aren't sure ... it may be best to skip it.

I - Idolatry - Will eating this demonstrate a heart of idolatry? Worshiping the pleasure of the food, for instance.

S - Stumble - Will eating this cause a weaker Christian to stumble?

C - Covet - Am I eating this because I saw someone else with it? TV commercials...

I - Inroad - Will eating this create an inroad for sin? In this instance, it is wrong to eat the first chocolate chip if I know it will make it very difficult not to eat the whole bag.

P - Praise - Can I eat this with thanks? A great way to make sure your conscience is clear in regards to the food is to pray over it first!

L - Life - Will eating this harm my life or health? Her verse behind this one is the Thou Shalt Not Kill commandment. OK, I can go for that, but a much better argument for me is that not taking care of our bodies will keep us from being able to do as much for the Lord.

I - Illustrate - Am I modeling good eating habits for others?

N - No - Am I able to say No to this food? A biggie! You might be hungry and it is a legitimate eating situation, but may you be lusting after that particular food in a way that you can hardly say no to. Or maybe you are searching for an excuse to eat it. This is food that has too much power over you.

E - Emotion - Does the desire to eat this flow from any sinful emotion?

D - Distract - Will preparing or eating this distract me from something more profitable? An aspect we don't always think about.

E - Enslave - Will eating this bring me under any kind of bondage? This one is similar to Inroad and No.

And we'll stop here for now.

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food for thought 1

2011-01-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be blogging to the universe of people who are not reading my blog about my eating issues journey. My story isn't that interesting, shocking, or different. But I want to document it for myself, for others, and to tell about my walk with God.

This post will be my history, as pertains to food:

I had a chunky build as a child -- much similar to Parker's -- and my dad used to call me "pleasingly plump." No doubt a term of fondness for him, but not so much to a 4th grader.

My first eating run-in that I can recall was probably around 8th grade when my brother came home from a stay with relatives, telling us all how thin one of my girl cousins was. I determined to be as skinny as she -- this amounted to an after-school snack of cheese and crackers (not sure how this was supposed to help make me skinnier!). And, I would wait for my mother in the hot car outside the grocery store after school and then pester her about whether or not my sweating was making me skinnier. This obsession was pretty minor and pretty short-lived.

A couple of years later (at age 14) I had a big crush that put me off my feed for a while. For the first time, my mind was so preoccupied and stressed that I had little interest in food. This, combined with normal adolescent changes, resulted in a shape that was about as thin as a girl of my frame size would want to be.

A year later (age 15) I went on a mission trip to Russia. We'd all brought junky snacks. The food we were served was unappetizing. We ate a bunch of junky snacks and moaned about how hungry we were. For the first time, I started eating more food than I needed, just for the fun of it. Now we're just talking about an extra Snickers bar or two, mind you. Later that year, my junior year in high school, I went on my very first real diet. For me, this meant eating only one green apple a day, for instance. It was then I discovered an important truth -- dieting deprivation leads to bingeing!

And that is how the next 15 years would go. In college when the binges came, I'd sneak over to the vending machines (which were in an entirely different building and involved putting on clothes, including panty hose), and overcoming my usual cheapness would buy six different candy bars (just an estimate) and ALWAYS a box of Swiss Rolls. And then maybe some salty for variety. I'd go to the library for several good books and spend the evening in self-indulgence. Of course, the summers were spent exercising and getting back into shape.

After marriage, I'd embark on different exercise plans -- y'all know the story -- lose that pesky five pounds over three months, then gain it back in three weeks. Instead of vending machines it was the close-by Brookshires, where the indulgence of choice was strawberry ice cream and Swiss Rolls.

This would occasionally frustrate those who knew me when they went to the break room to get the cookies someone had brought to share with the office, only to find them gone. Or Jamie would open the refrigerator expecting to find his popsicles/candy bar/whatever and turn to me with shock that I had eaten it all already. One weekend I ate his whole box of chocolate popsicles, bought another box to replace them because I knew he'd be mad, then ate that box too! He still doesn't know.

Now, if you are reading my blog, you probably know me and you know I'm not a particularly fat person (pregnancies aside). I merely vacillated between the same ten pounds. When I reached my top weight, my self-disgust took over my self-indulgence.

My pregnancies weren't the excuse to binge that I'd thought they might be, though I did overeat enough to gain more weight than I needed. And afterwards, breastfeeding kept me from dieting and naturally took off my extra pounds, though my overeating kept it from happening as quickly as it could've. Really, over the three or so years of being pregnant/breastfeeding, I didn't diet or binge, so I just settled into a nice pattern of minor overeating, accompanied by a nice little sweet tooth addiction.

And so we come to the present day. I will continue later as the babies are due up anytime.

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update

2010-12-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

Love my bugs!

Stevie says I need to update my blog, so here we go. I also just posted a previously unpublished rant from last month, in the interest of full disclosure.

I've learned a lot this year. I've grown more spiritually this year than ever in my life, due to o-b-e-d-i-e-n-c-e, an almost brand new concept for me. I could blog about that at great length. Let's just say I am excited at what God is doing in my life, enjoying have an active, intimate daily relationship with Him, but still having to get back on the horse time and time again.

Some things He's done:

Mentor -- I've been meeting with Lisa since the early summer. Now I learned awhile ago that mentors aren't a magic wand that just instantly transform your spiritual life, but they help. Some of things below are things that I've realized while studying with her.

Fear -- Always been a big thing in my life. Fear of people, fear of embarrassment, feeling bad about myself, not willing to risk, etc. ... This is not a brand new revelation to me by any means, but the Lord has pointed out that I need to initiate interactions, pursue friendships, etc. Anything from arranging a play date, to getting to know an unchurched friend, to bringing bread to the neighbor, to not avoiding social interactions, to saying a thank you or giving a compliment. I could go on and on about this one too. I've got a long way to go but there has been improvement!

Parenting / Wifing -- So many things here too. All this stuff needs its own blog entry! Disciplining my kids for their good, not for my convenience. Needing kindness and patience. Realizing that sometimes I care about my family only because their well-doing affects me, not out of selfless love. Realizing that I need to make some changes in how I relate to Jamie -- he sees me taking steps of obedience to God, but then I react to him in the same old ways. Putting caring for my family ahead of outside ministry, work, and other good causes. Not complaining -- the Bible is pretty specific about that one, which is why I didn't post my last blog entry until just now. I've only put it up now so people can see where my head is at. There are good days and bad days with the babies. More good than there used to be. But today for instance, I just got in this FUNK (Jamie was leaving for a three-day motorcycle trip -- need I say more?), everything was terrible, had a giant cry, and then suddenly everything was manageable! I don't know if my hormones are whacked out, if I am bi-polar, if I am normal, or if there was a devil on my shoulder!

Apologizing -- This has been a major area of obedience as I think of people I've wronged (past & present) and feel burdened to make it right. Now many of these wrongs are pretty insignificant and I think I may be overreacting here and there, but I think I need to, then I need to. Fortunately, we seem to be past that initial flurry of constant embarrassing apologies (I could tell some ridiculous stories.) but I'm always just one wrong reaction away from another one!

Talents -- I've been led back to doing some art. I'd done just a few portraits in the ten years since graduating from college with a degree in illustration. I had so little interest in it, it was such hard work, and I spent my days doing graphic design. However, 1) it is a talent God has given me and I feel I shouldn't neglect it. 2) I've found a quick, fun medium (oil pastel). 3) It provides the potential for a source of revenue one day, though I don't feel right now is the time to pursue that. For now I've just been enjoying spending the occasional evening and naptime doing practice portraits. I haven't posted any of them online yet, because I want to keep me and my pride out of it for now.

Eating -- Something I have been working on with a few small victories but am going to take some bigger steps to work on. People think it's not an issue for me because I'm not overweight, but gluttony is gluttony and if I don't stop eating when I know I should, it is sin that separates me from the Lord. I think I've identified it as a pretty big area that needs conquering and often contributes to derailing me spiritually, so I need to tackle it! I don't have any illusions that I may ever defeat the urge entirely, but surely with the Lord's help and constant small victories, I can change!

Hmmm, what else... Nothing, time for bed!

Evangeline

c r a z y !

2010-11-06T21:04:00.001-07:00

My sweet babies!

I'm assuming nobody checks this blog anymore so I am taking the opportunity to vent.

I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I really hate what I do. To any observer it looks like I am just a regular mother calmly and cheerfully feeding her babies lunch, or patiently taking them outside, or playing with them in their room, but inside I'm frustrated. I don't WANT to walk back and forth to the kitchen multiple times cleaning up crumbs, fetch spoons, rack my brain for yet another barely nutritionally-adequate snack or meal. I don't LIKE sitting patiently and playing with toys, I don't even like sitting down and spending time in their room! Sometimes the effort of carrying and cajoling them into their carseats deters me from getting out of the house. Which is worse, staying bored and at-the end-of my rope in the house, or going through all the trouble to find shoes, gather snacks, get myself presentable, all the while putting out little fires, herding to and fro. And where do we go? Maybe invent an unnecessary trip to the store, where I can pull them out of carseats & buckles again, keep them happy, discipline, talk to them all the way through until we make it out -- *whew!* -- and install everybody back in the truck again? Careful that nobody falls out of the cart, did Eli's shoe fall off? No, Parker, you know you are not allowed into Mommy's console anymore. SIT down. ME DO IT! Ok, you buckle yourself in while I help. Drive home, pull them out, force them to go inside instead of playing in the street or scaling the wall to see the neighbor's dog or escaping down the sidewalk. Then I look at the clock and see we still have an HOUR AND A HALF UNTIL NAPS. WHAT are we going to do? OK, we did playdoh yesterday... they're bored with every toy in the house... Maybe I could get down their hidden-away Christmas presents, no I'll save that until I am truly, truly desperate, or maybe even until Christmas if I can make it. Hmmm, let's go into Eli's room where I will sit on the floor for 35 seconds until forced to pop up again (at least I'm not pregnant anymore!) to referee a fight / retrieve Eli from something dangerous / referee a fight / retrieve Eli ... I hate it! Not in an intense, today-is-the-worst-day-of-my-life kind of day, but in a slow, mind-numbing erosion kind of way.

Now I HAVE been doing better with this in the last months, with only the occasional meltdown, so I should put this in perspective and say that we have been sick for nearly a whole month, unable to go to many of our regular church/friend activities, and those we could do alone (walks, parks), I've sometimes not felt up to. Then today Jamie was supposed to go ride, instead couldn't sleep at all last night, ended up staying home and sleeping all day, woke up still feeling bad so still wasn't much help and now will be gone TOMORROW riding. So that puts him out both days of the weekend instead of just one. And then THE WEEK STARTS AGAIN.

I pray and ask God what I am supposed to do with this. What!? Be patient and joyful in the trial is all I can think of. Count my blessings. Change my attitude. But I wonder why I have SUCH a hard time with this. Is it because I am selfish and want to do my own thing? Is it just because we had a hard week? Is it because my personality doesn't handle this so well? All of the above? Do other mothers feel this way and we hide it from each other? Or do we just happen to see each other on the good days where it's easy to smile? Or maybe other women just don't mind the multiple trips to the kitchen and the eternal sippy cup filling and the never-ending wiping of the dining room table and being on duty all day, all week, all year?

I know I'll feel more sane in the morning. Thank the Lord for baby bedtimes and these few blessed hours in the evening to return to sanity, then get a good night's sleep and awake somewhat ready to jump out of bed at the first sound from Eli... Tonight like every night I feel worn out, wrung out, washed up, and run down. But already I can feel my brain glazing over, returning to normal, forgetting that just an hour ago I wanted to hide from them all and take some mind-alterning substance. Somehow I will survive. I've made it this far, after all.

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Blahg

2010-02-03T22:38:00.001-08:00

How do I describe the big new awful, wonderful world of motherhood? This world is different for every mother and changes depending on your child's age, the number of children, their stage of development, the number of naps they take that coincide, and on your particular mood. What I say today is completely different than the world I would have described ten months ago, and twenty months ago.

My smart cello-playing friend Casey -- mother of chunky little 11-month-old James with dimples and perfect posture -- observed that mothering is different for everyone, depending on the personalities of the mothers and babies involved.

This world is a newer, stranger place to me than to some. I rarely babysat growing up and did not live close to little nephews & nieces. My experience with babies was virtually nil -- I knew where they came from and how not to have them. I didn't know how to converse about one and I didn't want to. I would have as soon discussed a car as a baby.

After getting married, for some time I considered never having children, wondering why anyone would want to destroy the fun companionship of new marriage by inviting in a third. I eventually decided that it was an experience that should be a part of life -- one that I would not want to intentionally miss even if it didn't particularly excite me. Even when we did reach a position in life and finances and jobs where kids were a possibility, we essentially closed our eyes and looked the other way and what do you know a baby was conceived. We have been told that we "fall into the fertile category" and indeed we seem to have been blessed that way. Never could we bring ourselves to "try" to have a baby, but the two times that we engaged in err... risky behavior ... resulted in babies.

I know a couple who simply decided not to have children. This is their decision and I respect it as such. I know they must have greater financial wealth, freedom, and all manner of things because of it. But what they are missing! I think of them with pity, now in their 40s without having experienced some of the richness of life.

This time last year I was falling out of love with my baby. I had started out oozing the praises of motherhood. I was euphoric. I was in awe of the incredibleness of this perfect mini person. Then she hit her infamous fussy spell, beginning around 10 months and slowly receding when she learned to walk well, around 14 months. A combination of teething, sickness, and over-attention from mommy made baby a demanding little monster. I dreaded leaving the room because she make me regret it -- whining and crying and following me everywhere. I felt paralyzed. I could do nothing but sit on the floor in her room and cry with her. Jamie would come home and relieve me of her and I would find a quiet spot to melt down. I wondered if I needed medication, if I would go slightly insane. I wondered if I would know I was insane or if everyone would know but me.

I wondered if it was my attitude? My approach to life? Was I trying to do too many things during the day? Should I just expect to do nothing and be satisfied when I met my goal? To this day these feelings persist and questions remain. Why is motherhood such a mental burden? Am I lazy that I just want to be doing nothing? Do I stress too much over the details? Am I nit-picking about clutter?

I've worked hard in my life before. I was an art major in college and I worked harder on my art projects than many of my non-art-major acquaintances who simply had to study for a little test and be done. Not to mention that we had a curfew so the hours in the day were limited. But even in the most intense and all-consuming of times, I knew that it would all be over the day after tomorrow. Or in two weeks. Or at the most in three months.

I worked a 40-hour-a-week job for eight years after college. Those days are sometimes drudgery, sometimes stressful, but always 5 o'clock came. And always came the weekend, and holidays. I know now that those years I spent after college before babies were some of the cushiest of my life. The luxury of waking up and taking a shower and drying my hair for 20 minutes and not having to worry about making noise in the house and having whole evenings to fill with nothing! What did we DO with our time? I wonder now why we didn't go out to eat or see a movie every night of the week. Imagine such a life of luxurious freedom!

The unending sameness, the low-key stress of motherhood makes you want to poke your eyes out. You never get a freaking break! I describe it as somebody kicking me, over and over and over and over and over. I might get a night off from the kicking; I might even get a week off from the kicking, but the kicking never stops. It's not enough to drive you over the edge, it just makes you wonder where the edge is and if you are getting close or if you are just going to tread water next to the edge for the next twenty years. Chinese water torture, says Jenny Craig -- mother of the redhead I was supposed to have. Chinese water torture that you really like and really hate.

Jamie says parenting is a lot better and a lot worse than he thought and I heartily agree. All day long I exhaust myself with vacillation between highs and lows. Right now, my little boy has fallen asleep for the night on the arm of the easy chair. I can't see him but I know his little face with his fat lips probably sucking in his sleep, his still perfect skin, his dark hair pushed to the side like a grown-up little man's. A hundred times a day I look at him and his sister and give thanks for these two precious blessings. I want to kiss them and never stop.

Eli is five months old today and just coming into one of the best stages of babyhood. He is alert and loves to grasp things. He sways drunkenly back and forth in his Exersaucer, waiting to catch your eye and grin.

Parker will be two soon. She amazes us every day with the things she knows. Nothing more than most any other soon-to-be-two-year-old, but to these parents who are experiencing everything for the first time, she is genius. She can identify nearly every letter of the alphabet. She loves stickers. She always want me to draw Daddy on the MagnaDoodle, then Mommy. Sometimes we hear her in her bed, murmuring to herself "Mammy. Daddy. MaDaddy." Oh, how I will miss that.

I spend my days nursing, feeding, changing, cleaning, reading, entertaining. I often don't enjoy it. I feel bad because many mothers have it worse and handle it better. I feel run down and used up and so frumpy I will never recover. But then I look over and see my Parky putting her hands together and waiting for me to pray for a meal. Or the Eli trading crows with Daddy. And I am so thankful for my life while feeling so frustrated and strung out at the same time.

This is the hardest time of my easy little life so far. And it is the richest time of my life. As wearing as this is, I would not choose to miss it. Now I understand Mother's Day. Now I understand a huge piece of the world that I poopoo'ed before. Now I am a sentimental fool.

It's 12:30 a.m. and this is time I should not have spent. It's time to get Eli off the easy chair and hope he sleeps as well in his crib. If he doesn't, I confess that I might cuddle his sweet self in my bed, give him an unscheduled nursing, and not feel too bad about it.

Oh Boy ...

2009-07-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Yep, if you live under a rock or aren't on facebook, the news is that we are having a boy! The long story is that Jamie wanted to find out and I didn't... And so far we had opted to not find out, but Jamie still really wanted to. So I got to thinking about it and slowly came around to the idea of letting us find out as a surprise for Jamie for Father's Day. I happened to have a routine doctor's appointment the Friday before, and while I was there I asked if the sonographer happened to remember whether we were having a boy or a girl. She of course didn't remember (since our sono had been 2 months before) but actually gave me an unscheduled sonogram real quick to find out! She sealed the results up in an envelope without me seeing.

On Father's Day I gave Jamie his regular gift and then the envelope. At first we couldn't tell what it was but then we saw that it said "boy" really small at the bottom. I had thought it was a boy all along, though I kind of wanted a girl who could wear all Parker's cute outgrown clothes. So we think it is nice to have some time to get used to the idea of it being a boy. We were not going to tell anyone that we had found out but it was getting harder and harder to answer the questions about it, so since I had had a couple weeks to get used to the idea of everyone knowing, I thought we might as well tell everyone. Yes, I think it would have been fun To Not Know, but it is fun in a different way To Know, and it makes Jamie happy, so I am focusing on the fun parts.

Preeclampsia update: Everything except my bp is normal at this stage, so there's no preeclampsia going on, but the doctor is having me come in for weekly visits to keep an eye on things. I still have a dream of carrying the baby to term and going into labor at home and having to say, "Honey, it's time!" -- you know the whole scenario. Either way though, if we can get at least to week 37 or so, I will rest easier, even if I do have to be induced at some point.

Blah, Blah, Blog

2009-06-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

This is a long exciting one!

Looking crazy on the slide at the park!

Baby #2 is 27 weeks along, only three months left! I'm feeling uncomfortable sooner this time -- those funny pelvis pains and weird aches and things. Starting to feel fat all over instead of just fat in the belly. Can't even fit into most of Maria's maternity pants anymore! And I'm trying hard to catch Jamie on the scale -- shouldn't be hard if I can carry this baby to term.

Speaking of, recently I had one of those vision episodes like with my last pregnancy (can't see stuff, see weird sparkly lights, etc). I'll spare you the whole long story, but anyway my bp is slightly elevated (140/90 in the doctor's office), and there were trace amounts of protein in my urine sample, so now we're going through some stuff to rule out preeclampsia. This weekend I've been collecting a 24-hour urine sample (don't drink out of the orange container in the refrigerator!), which I'll take in to the doctor tomorrow for them to check for protein again. We will also have a sonogram tomorrow to check for something about blood flow through the umbilical cord, which is somehow related to preeclampsia. The blood test indicators for preeclampsia came back fine though, so that's good, and I don't have any of the other preeclampsia symptoms (hand/face swelling, etc.). I think things are OK, they're just wanting to stay on top of everything. But, we should know more after tomorrow.

Other than that, it's just working and taking care of Parker. She's about 15 months and has been walking for awhile and understands things all of a sudden, though she's still not much of a talker. She has turned into the pickiest little eater. We're kind of vacillating between two naps per day and one nap per day. It's easy to be flexible when she doesn't take many naps, so I don't stress too much about her schedule. She knows where the "baby" is and will pull up my shirt and poke at it and say "dadee." Poor thing is in for a rude awakening when Mommy brings that new little attention-stealer home and has to sit around feeding it all the time!

Jamie's parents have been visiting off and on this month. Mostly his mom, who was a big help watching Parker sometimes during the time when Mother's Day Out was not meeting. And then last weekend they took Parker and her cousin to visit their great-grandparents in Arizona. They were gone for five days! Jamie and I took advantage of the time to go down and float the Rio Frio. The water was low and slow but it was fun. We ate a lot. Then we had a couple of days back at home, enjoying the life of a babyless couple -- leisurely mornings of showering and hair-drying ... nothing to do in the evenings ... sleeping in one day ... even making supper. But we sure were glad to see that little goblin again! She felt so good to hold. She was so well-behaved when company was here, but the last couple of days she's started being clingy again and I'm having trouble entertaining her all day long. Today wasn't so fun. Jamie would take her away to play in another room and she would just toddle right out to come find mommy! Yesterday she climbed right into the shower with me and played around while I got clean.

Today was Father's Day. I got ... I mean PARKER got Jamie some custom posters of his motorcycle that mommy sure had spent a long time on! And he got a GPS system from his parents. And one other exciting gift that I might tell more about another time.

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Prayer request: one of my friends from college just lost her 3-month-old baby boy in an accident. A reminder how precious our children are and to appreciate every moment with them, even the clingy ones.

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Life Goes On

2009-05-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Hmm, it's been awhile since I posted. Let me see if I can think of anything ...

Parker is 13 months old. She's taking steps but not walking everywhere yet. Still not much of a talker. She's learned how to poke the button to turn on my radio and then boogie to the music. And she's doing great at her Mother's Day Out!

I think she's doing better with not having to be held all the time and letting me set her down in the house without crying about it. It's been well over a week since I had a near breakdown, so things must be good! Today she was so smart and sweet that it nearly made up for the last three months!

This new baby is 21 weeks along now. It's hard to believe there is another one in there. I guess it must be there though, since I am getting suspiciously fatter. We had our halfway sonogram recently and didn't find out the gender. Jamie and I don't agree on whether to find out or not, so it's still possible that we may find out in a couple months at the next sonogram.

Jamie's mom is in town right now, getting to spend some time with Parker. A couple weeks back we made a spur-of-the-moment trip back to East Texas. I went to garage sales and hung with my family while Jamie got his motorcycle riding out of his system. Taking that kind of trip with the baby was an experience I don't want to repeat. Especially by the end of the trip back. We spent hours at playgrounds in Dallas, Weatherford, Abilene, and Sweetwater... won't be doing that again for a looong time.

Yeah Baby!

2009-03-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Here I am with the two babies. I can see two, can't you?

So yep, we're having another one, due in September. The two will be 18 months apart.

-- This pregnancy has been so different from the first. Less nausea, more fatigue, more crazy emotions, clumsiness. I'm lots hungrier this time too, always looking for stuff to eat (which would be fun if it weren't for the nausea!). Thought I was going to escape without all that tummy gas, but that's started to show up now. I just finished up the first trimester, which is hard to believe! I had forgotten that pregnancy is so LOOONG! Finally starting to show a little, mostly toward the end of the day, and only if you're looking.

-- I'm still breastfeeding Parker, but will wrap that up shortly. No, she did not seem to notice any taste change when I got pregnant, though I think my supply dropped some. I'm looking forward to that milk coming in again next fall, so I can fill back up again to a nice big C. ha ha

-- Parker's gone through some kind of growth spurt recently, mentally and physically. She's playing with her toys more smartly, mimicking us obviously, and turning into a little toddler. A toddler that doesn't quite walk yet, of course. She turns 1 in a couple of weeks.

-- Parker has also gotten over her fussy spell, the one that lasted for weeks and weeks. It has been SUCH a relief to not have her sitting on the floor crying at me to be picked up, every single second that she is awake. I thought I might go insane there for awhile -- Jamie might come home and find me mumbling incomprehensible stuff and banging on the wall. Now today she just bugged around all over the place, being interested in stuff and exploring, the way she should be. It's like a whole new baby.

-- I feel that this new baby is a dark-haired boy, but I would like a red-haired girl. :) Our dog (who was correct the first time) predicts that it is a girl. (Our dog speaks through Jamie.)

Pray for the Wingerds

2009-03-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

Some old friends of ours lost their little son in a tub accident on Tuesday (3/3). He had recently turned one. Please pray for the Wingerd family!

At times like this, you just hurt for the family and wish you could do something to ease their pain but you can't. And as a parent, the thought of losing a child is unimaginable.

Here is a picture of the little guy. His name is Jamie.

Finally, an update!

2009-02-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

I know, it's been forever!

Well, I haven't updated in a long time. I think most people keep up with me via facebook, email or in person. But, just for the fun of it, here we go, if there's anyone left still following this!

That baby is 10.5 months old! What a biggie. She is cruising around, not walking yet. She says "mamama," but doesn't seem to quite know that means me! We're down to two naps a day now, so wake time is a good three hours. Three ... long ... hours sometimes. She's much more demanding and can be quite fussy about wanting my attention. And of course it's hard to know if she's not feeling well, or what's going on ... So, it's all gotten a little more difficult and every day when 8:30 pm rolls around, we breathe a sigh and relax for a couple of hours without a little monkey-headed goblin.

I still go in to work two or three times a week, usually Monday, Wednesday, and sometimes Fridays. I work during Parker's morning nap, then feed her, and then we go home. Which reminds me, we are down to breastfeeding twice a day now, on the way to our goal of weaning at about a year old. The morning feeding will be the hardest because we like to snuggle in bed together and it makes getting up so much easier on mommy! She's getting so big though, I'm practically feeding a small child instead of a baby.

In other news, we finally decided to build a shop in our backyard. We'd held off for awhile, looking at other houses in the area, kind of unwilling to invest in a shop at our current house. But, we weren't satisfied with other houses we found, and this option is the less expensive one. So, the worker guys got the cement forms up and ready to be poured, then we found out that we would have to move the gas line so it wouldn't run under the new building ... So we had to dig a foot deep trench all the way through the backyard and run new gas line in there. There's still some stuff left to do before it gets inspected and we can bury it and proceed with the building but hopefully this week we'll make some progress. Jamie is looking forward to having his shop.

Never posted about the holidays, so I'll mention that too -- for Thanksgiving we drove back to East Texas to visit my parents. My brother and sisters all were there too, with their families, which was the first time we'd all been together since we moved to Midland 3 years ago. (Picture above is of all of us.) For Christmas, Jamie's family congregated at our house.

OK, that's all the interesting things for now!

It just keeps getting better!

2008-11-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

Celebrating almost eight months.

We took some pictures of Parker at work on our white backdrop.

Here Parker enjoys sucking on an apple piece. Pretty soon she wore it down and sucked the whole thing right into her monster mouth, so I had to rescue her.

Jamie's parents came to visit over Halloween weekend. They are moving from Corpus Christi all the way up to Wyoming, so we will have a new place to visit!

Here's our sweetie in her Halloween costume -- a homemade Hershey's kiss. We had a hard time wrestling her into it, plus it was made of wire & styrofoam underneath, so we just managed to get this one picture before we had mercy on her.

She is just the sweetest little thing and has grown amazingly lately. She crawled at 6.5 months and looks like a cute little frog down there on the floor. I just adore her little baby self.

Jamie cut off his fingertip recently but all is healing well.

I'm now within a couple pounds of my pre-baby weight, but somehow things just aren't quite the same! I know working out would make a big difference, but I haven't been able to make that a priority. :(

Life is just taking care of the baby and working... I get in about 15-20 hours a week from home and the office. I have mixed feelings about it since I never get a break.

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Six Months of Baby

2008-09-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

Wooo! Been awhile since I posted -- too much facebooking, I guess.

-In August, we flew to Corpus Christi very briefly for Jamie's dad's surprise 50th birthday party. We stopped by the beach before we left. Not to complain about Midland, but it sure makes everywhere else look really great and I had been pining ridiculously for a beach.

-Baby started solid food recently, which has been so much fun, since I love food and I love baby. I like making her squash and sweet potatoes and pear and all that. She's so simple to feed right now.

And, big news for me, she has converted to a better schedule -- one nap in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Finally! She just turned six months and is getting so big and smart and person-like.

-Probably the biggest change is about my work. Before she was born, I had a nice little plan all set -- two days a week she would go to a Mother's Day Out that I had carefully arranged in Odessa, while I went in to work. But, she refused to nap or take a bottle while there, so that didn't last. So, for a couple of weeks now, I've been taking her in to work with me. I take care of her while she's awake, like usual, and then put her down in a Pack N Play in an empty room nearby for her naps. I manage to get in about 4 hrs of work a day each time. It is nice to have a reason to take a shower in the morning and to get out and see people. This little arrangement may not work so well as she gets older and more mobile, but we'll deal with that when the time comes.

-We sold the house in Longview! Yay! It is so good to have that off of the back of my mind.

-So Jamie is all into his motorcycle racing/riding these days. (What happened to the gun obsession?) This weekend he's going down to the Hill Country to ride. I can't imagine driving 4-5 hours just to get out and go ride a motorcycle... Other weekends it will be Track Days where they just drive to a track (College Station, Ft. Worth, etc) and practice racing. I just mentally roll my eyes, add up the credit card receipts, and keep paying on the life insurance policy. ;P

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It's an Eel's Life

2008-08-13T18:17:00.001-07:00

Finally managed to catch that smile!

Hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa Frey at the office.

Posing with Jamie's latest acquisition.

Random events in our lives:

-- I finished the layout of the GIANTS:Legends of the Oil and Gas Industry book and sent that monstrosity off to print!

-- Jamie and I made a quick trip back to East Texas. We are selling our house there and needed to clean some stuff out of it. We had a great time seeing family, church friends, high school friends, work friends, and motorcycle friends. All in two days. A side note is that we celebrated our 7th anniversary. When I say "celebrated," I mean that we said, "Happy Anniversary, I love you," as we drove down I-20.

-- The warning label on my birth control pills: Do not use if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant.

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Group Hug Group Hug

2008-07-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

A blog only a breastfeeding mother can appreciate:

So before the baby came, I researched breast pumps. But because they're pricey and there are so many conflicting product reviews out there, I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger and buy one.

Until this month I'd been renting a breast pump from the hospital. It was a massive, hospital green thing. Wanting to save $35/month and find something more discreet to eventually take to work with me, I bought a smaller one on eBay.

Well, this new pump (Ameda Purely Yours) is kind of noisy. No big deal, but the rhythmic pumping noise seems to be saying anything from, "YOU PUMP," to "BULL CRAP" (I can't help what the pump says). But lately I figured out that what it's really saying is, "GROUP HUG."

So, I thought it was really funny when I found this article about talking pumps! And with all the comments below it, I guess I'm not the only one.

Speaking of pumping, does anyone else compulsively store up milk as if our families were going to have to live on it after Y2K? I pump extra every morning and happily watch my little freezer store grow and grow. Ha ha, that baby's going to be eating thawed breastmilk till she's 14.

Someone I know recently told me that they made a custard (for adults) with leftover breastmilk...

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Family Fourth

2008-07-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

Jamie's family (mom, dad, sister & her new baby) came up from Corpus Christi for the 4th of July weekend. I think it was the allure of the grandkid.

The grandkid and her new cousin, one-month-old Violet, got along pretty well ... as in, they did not disturb each other's sleep too often.

We went to a Rockhounds game, where the babies wore their new baseball onesies and danced to the 7th inning music. Another day, Grandma babysat while the rest of us went to the shooting range. And, we checked out George W. Bush's childhood home.

We also made some yummy barbecue, including steaks with this marinade.

I have to say, it sure was great being able to just feed That Baby and hand her off to somebody else to hold! Plus, she had a reason to show off all her cute outfits.

Now it's back to regular life. I've got a big project for work going on - the culmination of about a year's worth of work finally getting ready to go to the printer. So I'll be doing nothing but Baby and work for a couple of weeks.

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My Little Pony

2008-06-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've just got bits and pieces of news here:

--Saturday was Jamie's 29th birthday. For his birthday, he got his concealed handgun license, so pretty soon he'll be packing heat. He's been shopping for little guns and holsters than can stay hidden.

I got him a Carvel ice cream cake. Unlike some ice cream cakes, these are made entirely out of ice cream. It was good but I'm not raving about it.

--I made Baby a trashcan for her room out of a cardboard box, two old gift bags, and lots of tape. It thrilled my cheap soul to save the money it would have cost to buy one.

--So I had the bright idea to take mug shots of Jamie and me and morph them together to get an idea of how Baby might look one day. I took Jamie's eyes, his mouth, my nose, my cheekbones, his forehead, etc. and Photoshopped them together. The result was pretty disturbing so I won't be posting it here and will be praying that our baby doesn't turn out to look like that horrible combination!

--Jamie's parents, sister, and her baby are coming up from Corpus Christi for the 4th. I'm not sure what we'll be doing except feeding and changing babies. Parker's cousin, Violet, is exactly two months younger than she is.

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Baby Bunny

2008-06-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

So last night we slept through the night! -- 9 hours between feedings. And the two nights before that were 7 hours each, so we're getting there!

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Frozen Pizza Day

2008-06-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

At our house we don't have great expectations for Father's / Mother's Day.

When I was growing up, my family never celebrated either one. I'd always considered those days to be "fake" holidays.

And Jamie's not too sentimental, so he doesn't have any expectations either.

But The Baby got her daddy a gun case that he wanted. And Mommy made Daddy a special meal of the same thing he had made her for Mother's Day -- frozen pizza.

Voila! It's our first tradition!

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Baby in the Dog Trough

2008-06-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's not really a "dog trough," it's the giant tub we keep filled with water for the dogs to drink from outside.

It was hard to get good pictures because the dogs kept getting in the way, more interested in getting some nice fresh water than in checking out their little alien guest.

The dogs' acceptance of The Baby (we have two Dobermans) has always been a topic of much discussion, even before she came. But when we came home from the hospital, they were much more interested in welcoming ME home after my long (to them) absence.

One of them loves to lick The Baby, any time she can get her tongue on her feet, hands, head, etc. The other ignores her and scoots away when we use her to infringe on his space.

Overall, I've been relieved at their behavior, though I never entirely trust them with her.

Soon I'll have to get some pics/video of The Baby "riding" on Tara's back. We are such bad parents! Tee hee!

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It's All About The Baby

2008-06-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

This is a post I wrote for our office blog at work, so keep in mind that it's written for that audience:

So it's best to write about something you are passionate about. Since religion and politics aren't appropriate in the workplace, let's go with the biggest thing in my life right now -- The Baby.

The Baby is the reason I'm not in the office right now. I'm a new stay-at-home mom, spending my days taking care of a two-month-old, and trying to squeeze in some design time on the laptop between feedings.

So what's it like being cut off from the outside world, letting go of my old professional life and suddenly being held captive with only a baby and a TV for company?

Well, going out to a lunch meeting last Wednesday with Kasey & Mary -- without The Baby -- was heaven, an out-of-body chance to step briefly back into "normal life"... But I have only to look at my sleeping angel's face and know that I'm right where I want to be.

This one-sided love affair with my child has caught me by surprise. I know that while she will likely love her mother, she'll never return such adoration.

And that's OK with me.

This world of motherhood hasn't turned out to be what I expected. It's a lot better and a lot cooler and I'm glad to have the chance to live it with My Baby.

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